Welcome to Colonial Gackville

where the lawns are always mowed, the pies are always cooling on the windowsills, and absolutely no one raises their voice above a gentle, neighborly chuckle. Nestled in an annoyingly picturesque valley 17 miles east of Slappytown, Colonial Gackville is the kind of place where the front doors are left unlocked, because the only thing that breaks in to these homes is sunlight through the restoration window glass. It’s so safe, in fact, that the local jail has been repurposed into an artisanal jam museum.

Some residents of Slappytown suspect that the relentless cheer and overwhelming aroma of cinnamon potpourri wafting across the county line is a kind of psychological warfare, and that “Have a blessed day!” is hurled like a weapon.

But, no, yeah, visit Colonial Gackville, where the town motto has been updated to: “Voted Most Likely to Bake You Into a Pie,” where even the squirrels organize their nuts into HOA-approved rows, where every citizen is a smiling Stepford ambassador of historical charm, and where perfection isn’t just a goal...
IT’S MANDATORY!

Make sure to ask about our special tours!

(Paid for by the Colonial Gackville Chamber of Commerce. Why the hell else would we put this page on OUR site??)